With time, the masks worn by a broken man get more and more etched into his present and has a tendency of fast transforming into his future while becoming an integral part of his destiny. Desires and dreams are ironically the same two sides to the coin of life and are inter-woven into each other’s existence. The more you desire the more you dream and the more you dream, the more you desire. Many fortunate souls get what they desire the most and have nearly all their dreams fulfilled. However, in this so-called ‘balanced life’, there exists a handful of those for whom desires and dreams take the form of heart shattering disappointments and unbearable nightmares. Once a man had a dream, a deep-seated desire to ‘Love’ and to be ‘Loved’. However, in the due course of events, life played its cruel hand and in mere moments his desires vaporized and his most cherished dreams were set ablaze in the fires of ‘betrayal’. Everything he believed in, held so close to his heart, took the form of a dagger that eventually will become his ultimate tool for destruction. His confidante, his biggest ally reared its ugly head of deception and lies, while masking his monstrous deeds with his compassion and empathy. The man one day, soaked in wine and tears of blood, looked to the skies and with the wailing cry of a wounded animal asked the heavens for respite. But, the forces residing in this mythical realm of ‘Heaven’ looked down upon the soul and gave a smile that was dotted with mischief, a smile without ‘Mercy’, ‘Sympathy’ or ‘Empathy’.
As the sun sets with its final rays shimmering just above the horizon, a man sits at the very edge of his sanity looking beyond the rationale of normalcy. A fringe event where the man’s thoughts and actions take complete opposite directions and leave him in a dilemma, where he struggles to find the common denominator between what he thinks and the acts that follow. It is during this journey that he realizes the impact of fate and how it affects every action that he takes. With every breath, his will to fend off destiny becomes stronger. This is a man who once had an irrevocable faith in the unseen power of God, but with the sands of time he witnessed his granite etched ‘faith’ peel away like the layers of an onion. Every move he made, every smile he conjured, eventually became the casualty of destiny’s brutal assault on him. When I look back at this man, I feel compelled to take a glance at the legendary myth of the Achilles heel, where this man’s will to survive beyond all odds has manifested itself into his downfall. Yes, I’ve heard people say that your destiny is in your hands, but is it really? If that had been a fact, then the millions of souls perished in calamities and accidents, would have been alive at present. With all my experience and myself fulfilling the role of a witness, it stands to reason that Destiny is a tricky item, one that to some represent ‘Dawn’, while for others take the form of ‘Dusk. I do realize that if you are reading this journal and have read the previous entries as well, you might think of the author as an extremely pessimistic individual. However, pessimism has absolutely no relation to this entry or any previous ones for that matter.
It doesn’t take a lifetime to understand that your life is spiraling out of control, where every choice you make, no matter how noble or wise, is in turn creating a parallel string of consequences. These supposed irreversible consequences manifest themselves into a pot of boiling repercussions that defy the physical parameters of detonation. Instead of reacting simultaneously to our actions, these reactions keep piling up and just like a dormant, deceptive volcano erupt at the most unexpected of times. Times have changed, dramatically. The element of values, morals and karma are reversed to the extent that the more you do good, the more susceptible you become to the inevitable blows. With a string of situations and counter-situations and learning from a multitude of personal experiences, it seems that surely as night follows day, there comes a time when even Gods must die! So it has come to pass that God Himself has either forsaken humanity or has simply seized to exist. I am no atheist, however, blessed with sentience and a rational mind, the only logical assumption stemmed from a plethora of betrayals, deceptions is that we are entirely on our own now.
For many of us, the journey of life is dotted with a symmetrical range of good times and bad times that continue in some pre-defined cosmic ballet. However, in this global populace of some six billion souls, there are a few handful of individuals for whom, life, destiny and even karma have apparently set an exception. These souls exist on a proverbial minefield that is laid down with dangerous and at times quite fatal obstacles and to add to the already cumbersome journey, these people are subjugated to some of the most biased judgments from life itself. One of the most heart breaking experiences of life has to be without a doubt, ‘Betrayal’. A time when the very person you so endearingly lived for, placates his/her existence from one’s life, leaving a gaping hole of rejection and vain that more often than not, takes shape of insanity. Being insane is a relatively easier way out than to be in your senses and keep bracing hits after hits after hits. This is the bitter experience that many of us have gone through in our course of lives and still stand affirm in our existence as rationale human beings. Every decision we make, every step we take has consequences. The question remains, “How far and how badly these ‘consequences’ will affect our lives?” The philosophical implications of our actions are tremendous, but for those of us who prefer more practical approach, their manifestations can be seen in our daily existence.
God created us all, gave us sentience, will and thinking abilities. However, what He missed out on was, to provide us with the ability to toggle between our emotions and feelings. Humans, perhaps one of the most advanced races in the entire universe has been able to accomplish so many things since its creation. We managed to harness the power of fire, construct kingdoms, wage wars and create metropolis of the 21st century. But, if there is one thing that us, the Homo sapiens, have yet to achieve is the ability to switch on or off our emotions as per our will.
Maybe, tomorrow I won’t have any recollection of this journal that I am about to post or if u ask me some day what I really wished to convey with this post, I might be left in a fix as to explain how and why I wrote this. Still, I do know that, a heart agonized in the fires of loneliness, pined to become one with the person it loves the most has only one outlet to vent its anguished emotions out, and that is through words. Not verbal, but on paper. It is my request that this post should not be taken as a means of garnering attention, but as a realization from the point of view of a mere mortal, who just wishes to reach to the underlying humanity of his readers. How does one really sustain an emotional massacre? The answer is, most of the people and I emphasize on “most” aren’t able to cope with the after effects of emotions gone awry. You see, our lives and our world is based on an intricate web of practicalities and severe emotional responses. Being practical has become the way of life and somehow in the due course, feelings, especially ‘Love’ has taken a back seat, where its importance and its sheer value has been lost. However, there are some individuals who tend to realize the essence of Love and understand its significance in one’s life.
So it happened! One moment you are truly, madly and deeply in love and then, what appears to be an instant, that love is snatched away from you, leaving you with traces of a life that, was to summarize in one word, Heavenly. We all have different methods of dealing with tragedies and heart breaks. Some turn to the shelter of God, some take a more intoxicating step towards, alcohol and others simply try to bury the past and push themselves to move on in life.
All these steps based on an individual’s psyche can be termed as damage control, but one question that most people tend to overlook is, “Till what extent do we continue to survive in the ‘damage control’ mode?” With my recent experience, all I can say is that, to move on in life is too over rated and far too easier said than done. When a heart breaks or a love is lost, the inexplicable pain that shoots from the center your brain to the very end of your toe is one of the most excruciating experiences that a man can ever come across. All the moments spent together, every sentence that was exchanged between you and your soul mate, become an endless loop of memories and continues in your head, no matter how hard you try to put it to rest.
Sorrow grips every hour of our existence. Hurdles and unforeseen circumstances raise their ugly heads at every endeavor we pursue and to add insult to injury there comes the ever so cumbersome dilemma of controlling emotions. A mere visage of practicality, a facade of normalcy envelops us throughout our turmoil. It’s like a mask that we unwillingly wear to fit in the so-called compassionate society. The unscrupulous dynamic environment in which we survive like a pact, in-fact it is an alien world to us. A realm of reality which does not make any sense to those, who have seen life at the other end of the coin. A fictitious world of Eden, where every joyous moment is an illusion, a mirage, constructed for the sole purpose of testing an individual’s load capacity, or to be precise and in laymen terms, to test how far a person can be bent, broken and battered till he breaks.